


i keep falling (maybe half the time, maybe half the time)

by unhappy_turtle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Body Insecruity, Formerly overweight!Eren, M/M, brief mention of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 23:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3400691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unhappy_turtle/pseuds/unhappy_turtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't supposed to be like this. Levi is supposed to be agreeing and taking Eren to his place and fucking him into the mattress. Fact of the matter is Eren isn't supposed to feel so shitty right now. "You're a party-pooper," he announces, speaking loudly into the little nest of forearms and elbows he made to rest his head in. "I just, I just wanted to have a good time and you—you're ruining it for me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	i keep falling (maybe half the time, maybe half the time)

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to post this on Valentine's Day, but it got so out of control, it started as one thing—it's like a lab experiment gone wrong!
> 
> Make sure you look at the tags. There's quite a bit of self loathe and Eren has a very negative view of his body, there's just a lot of insecurity.
> 
>  **Also ******nothing is really, really resolved. I feel like I should tag this '… hopeful ending' and whatnot. It's just that I tried to emphasize that just because Eren met someone, doesn't mean all his problems are solved—and he's got _lots_ of problems. And that he has a long journey ahead of him.

Eren is only out because of Jean, so naturally it's Jean's fault that he nearly drinks himself into a stupor. Jean went off to dance—Eren uses that term loosely when referring to Jean—with the really adorable freckled guy. And Eren's left at the bar, sad and tipsy, an awful combination.

The only reason Eren did agree to go out was because Jean was nagging him and then Armin joined in on the nagging, saying something about getting out of his slump. They danced around the topic of his mom's death.

It's still a sore subject, but he won't break if someone mentions it. Yeah, he's been feeling more mediocre than usual—his mother did pass just a couple of weeks ago. He thinks that it'd be easier if everyone was straightforward with him, he _wants_ to talk about it, he does.

It'd help, maybe.

The excessive drinking really hasn't helped. It's all empty calories—he's supposed to be on a diet. They haven't been successful in the past, but he keeps trying. He has to.

Eren's been overweight since high-school. He feels as if he's defined by his fat. He's not sure what good enough feels like. His mother always used to tell him he was. He recalls one uncomfortable sit down with his mother _and_ father—Eren wanted to turn into ash when his father had called him beautiful. It was a pitiful conversation.

He's nursing his third vodka and coke now. He wishes he was invisible. He wishes he was skinny. The bartender sets another vodka and coke in front of him, he didn't order another one. "Compliments of that gentleman," he nods his head towards a black haired guy sitting at the end of the bar.

Eren blushes to the tips of his ears as they make eye contact. His heart is racing, it's about to fall out of his chest. "Thank you," he mouths. He doesn't know what to do. No one buys drinks for him, no one flirts with him, no one _wants_ him. He's only ever been hit on as a dare or trick.

The guy, who is very attractive, intimidatingly so, makes his way over to the seat next to Eren's. He wishes he was smaller, so bad, wishes he was beautiful, if only for this moment, really.

"Thank you," he says again. "I'm Eren."

"I'm Levi," Levi smiles and something about it feels private and intimate. Eren's even more lost now, if that's even possible.

"Do you, uh, come here often?" He says because that's a thing that people say at bars, he thinks, he's seen it on television.

"Not really. You?"

"I've actually never been here before."

"Are you here with anyone?" Levi asks.

Eren shakes his head _no_ , trying not to get into his own head too much. He's only thinking about the fact that Levi is so sexy and he's talking to him.

" _Good_."

"Good?" Good God, Eren is about to faint, this just doesn't happen to him. "I—I'm actually not looking for a relationship at the moment."

"Neither am I," Levi's eyebrow slowly raise.

"I… " Eren's not sure how to tell him that he'd most likely die from embarrassment if Levi ever saw him naked. "I'm just here for a drink, I wasn't, I wasn't—"

"You don't want to hook up."

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"Okay," he says, looking back at his drink. He wants to disappear so bad or go back in time ten minutes so he could avoid this whole incident. Levi can probably tell that he's sweating _gallons_ , just this hot ball of anxiety floating in his chest. "Okay," Eren takes a deep breath. He wants Levi to leave now, or he'll pass out right here.

"Are you in school?"

"Mhmm," Eren's not even looking at him, he'd just die if he did. "Are you?"

Levi snorts, "not anymore. Years ago though."

"How old are you anyway?"

"Thirty."

"Oh, you don't look that old."

"Old, who said I was old?" Levi eyes him, his voice indifferent, but there's amusement in his intimidating silver eyes when Eren glances at him.

"I mean, you don't look thirty." Eren mumbles. "You're really hot—not that you can't be hot when you're thirty, there's a lot of hot thirty year olds, I mean…" he trails off.

"Thank you… I think."

"You're very welcome." His face is way too warm. "And, uh, thanks again for the drink." He says, picking up the vodka and coke.

Levi simply smiles. There's something so _special_ about the way the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. Eren's instantly obsessed with it.

They end up just staring at each other because Eren, for the life of him, can't think of anything to say and Levi is apparently a champ at maintaining eye contact. Eren's perspiring so much that he's fairly certain he's dripping on the floor. He usually hates when people stare at him, like he's always being judged, made fun of because the fat is _always_ the first thing anyone sees. But he doesn't feel that way right now.

"You have really beautiful eyes," Levi blurts out, it seems to even take him by surprise. There's a faint blush across his face.

Eren's just about to make a dumb reply when Jean materializes out of nowhere with the cute freckled guy in hand. "Do you want me to drop you off?" He asks.

"Um… " Eren looks from Levi to his Jean, then back at Levi, "it was nice meeting you." He says, trying not to sound disappointed.

"It was nice meeting you, too."

Eren's in the backseat of Jean's shitty car, almost back at the apartment he shares with Armin when he realizes that he should've asked for Levi's number.

**Two Years Later**

Tipsy is an understatement. Eren is drunk—head on the table, breath fogging up the glass _drunk_.

He thinks that there's something depressing about getting drunk by yourself on Valentine's Day, but he doesn't really give a fuck. He wants to find a guy—a hot guy—and he wants to lose his virginity tonight. (There's got to be something poetic about that, right?)

Vodka and coke is still his weapon of choice. Eren really hasn't changed _that_ much. He's almost seventy pounds lighter now, he has abs and muscles in his thighs. It's difficult though, he thought that with the weight loss, he'd instantly gain confidence. He's not sure why, but he had some vague thoughts of a metamorphosis. As if with the weight loss, he'd just magically transform into some spectacular creature, some gorgeous butterfly.

(He's skinny now so he's supposed to be beautiful.)

Eren has an agenda for the night, but he really hasn't made any moves. He doesn't actually think he'd be able to move at the moment. He closes his eyes, he could honestly fall asleep right now.

Life has been so mundane lately. He's a college graduate now, he still lives with Armin. He sort of wants to move back home, but it'd be a bit awkward. It'd be nice to spend more time with Mikasa though, she just started high-school recently. Eren's dad is another thing completely though, it's not that Grisha ignores him, it's just that they don't seem to have any kind of connection anymore. They barely talk and if they do, it's uncomfortable and forced. Eren makes a mental note to visit the house tomorrow.

It takes a lot to lift his head. This bar is dingy, it faintly smells of urine—it's comforting in a way, it's the perfect place to go when he's feeling shittier than usual.

A couple months ago, Eren had tried to convince himself to give up alcohol, saying that since he's finally lost the weight, he needs to make serious, permanent changes to stay slim. But alcohol is something he simply cannot give up.

He's staring towards the bar when he sees him—Eren's vision is a bit blurry around the edges, but it's definitely _him_. The hair, the eyes, the height. Eren can't breathe, he convinces himself that it's because he's so drunk.

He's stumbling towards Levi before his mind can thoroughly process everything.

"Levi," Eren says, he's fairly alright at schooling his slur. He does sound surprised though.

Levi side-eyes him before he's fullly turning in his seat. "Eren."

"You remember me," he's slurring full out now. His mouth feels like it's not even attached to him.

"Of course—"

"I'm looking for a hook up," tumbles out of his mouth, but it doesn't even sound like words, not even to Eren.

"Maybe you should sit down," Levi suggests, patting the stool next to him. Eren complies. His head feels very heavy.

"Maybe—maybe you should take me to your place," Eren waggles his eyebrows. "And fuck me," he says in a hushed tone.

"Someone is a lot more eager than they were last time," Levi mumbles.

"We don't, we don't even have to go to your place—bathroom," he hiccups, "the bathroom!"

"You're a mess."

"No, I'm skinny— _see_ ," Eren goes to lift his shirt and show off his newly flat stomach, but Levi grabs his hand.

"None of that right now." Eren stares at him, too buzzed to truly feel anything at the moment other than their hands touching. It's nice.

"Do you still want to sleep with me?" He asks after a short beat.

"I don't know." The sudden moue on Eren's face makes Levi snort.

"Come on," he whines as he allows himself to rest his head on the counter, it's a bit sticky. His eyelids feel heavy also. Maybe he should quit drinking, all those empty calories. He wouldn't want to be back at square one. "It'll be so much fun." His voice wobbles a little at the end.

"God, you're wasted." Levi smiles politely, it's not the same smile from two years ago—Eren's stomach drops.

"Okay, okay, how about… I just want to see what your place looks like."

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

"Really?" Levi stares him down.

"No."

"No more drinks for you," Levi says, dismissively. Eren's frown deepens.

This isn't supposed to be like this. Levi is supposed to be agreeing and taking Eren to his place and fucking him into the mattress. Fact of the matter is Eren isn't supposed to feel so shitty right now. "You're a party-pooper," he announces, speaking loudly into the little nest of forearms and elbows he made to rest his head in. "I just, I just wanted to have a good time and you—you're ruining it for me."

"Sorry to ruin your night."

Eren's head pops up, "you could… make it up to me," he says.

"I'm not that sorry."

" _Levi_ , please." Eren pulls the puppy-dog face he used to use when he was younger—he may have been a bit spoiled. "You know you want to," he adds.

"Fuck," Levi grumbles, "you need to stop."

"Just… " Eren breathes, clumsily invading Levi's personal space, god, he smells really nice, Eren notes—he's suddenly forgetting his thoughts. He closes his eyes for a moment attempting to recall the words he was just about to say.

"Can I give you a ride home, at least?"

"Yes, if it's your home,"

"You are persistent."

"Thank you."

-

The drive is so quiet, it's deafening. Eren is sobering up just a little bit. He doesn't feel like vomiting as he watches the city fly by. Shops are closing, people are going to bed, stars are stepping out from behind the dark sky as bright windows are being dimmed.

"I can drop you off at home, if you're reconsidering."

"No, I wanna see your place."

"I'm not going to have sex with you, you know?"

"It's—it's Valentine's Day," Eren lets his head tilt back until it hits the headrest, he holds his breath for a second then releases it. "It's the right thing to do, to _do_ me," he laughs at himself for a minute.

"Actually, it's almost midnight, so this shitty holiday will be no more in five minutes."

"Woah, someone is… " he trails off.

The rest of the ride is quiet.

When they arrive at the apartment, Levi helps him up a few sets of stairs. His breathing is labored, like it used to be when he was heavier. He'd have to stop and catch his breath just from walking. Eren pushes that thought out of his head as Levi continues to lug him into his apartment.

The first thing that comes to mind is comfortably worn. It smells nice and it's incredibly clean. Eren is hauled through the living room, through the hallway and into the bedroom. "So we are going to do this?" He slurs, his speech has actually improved a little in the last hour or so.

"No, we are not. You can sleep in here." Levi says as he lowers Eren onto the bed.

"Where will you sleep?"

"I'll be on the couch—"

"No—Please, stay here," he can't help but think about how pathetic he is, "I won't, I won't try anything." He can't repress a pout, "I swear."

"You swear?"

"Pinky promise," he holds his arm out and extends his pinky towards Levi.

Levi takes a few steps forward and delicately wraps his pinky around Eren's. "Okay… I'll get extra blankets. One moment."

Eren's inebriated mind isn't even slightly embarrassed as he begins to strip the minute Levi leaves the room. His shirt is off first, he's not exactly sure how, but he doesn't look at himself as he continues to remove his clothing. The jeans are off next and then he's gracelessly shimmying out of his underwear. He's not even hard.

Eren is attempting to stroke himself to hardness when Levi walks in with a stack of comforters. Levi looks completely indifferent as they make eye contact. The only noise in the room is the distinct sound of Eren jerking off.

"Are you serious?" Levi grunts, throwing the comforters towards Eren's head, "stop that."

" _Sorry_."

"You are not sorry so don't fucking apologize. And seriously, stop touching yourself."

Eren does and he's still not hard. Also he has the sudden urge to piss really badly. "Levi, where's the bathroom?"

Levi stares at him in something Eren thinks is disbelief or anger—it's hard to tell. "Across the hall."

His skin tingles, hot sparks of embarrassment coloring his face and chest as he makes his way to the bathroom, still in the nude.

No joke, he's been peeing for five minutes and he can't stop. His bladder seems to be infinite and insatiable. It's quite tiring, actually. He'll never admit it to anyone, but he may have dozed off a bit, fingers still wrapped around his dick, still pissing. He's awoken from his daze when the door is knocked on. "What are you doing in there?"

"Urine—urinating. What do you think?"

"I was just checking." Eren can hear footsteps receding from the door.

Eren is peeing for another three minutes then he's flushing the toilet and washing his hands. He purposely ignores his own reflection in the mirror as he does so.

He decides to walk past the bedroom and right to the kitchen in search of some alcohol. There's a six pack of beers in the fridge and Eren's on his second bottle when Levi appears.

"God, you're so fucked up." Eren's being dragged into the bedroom again, his half finished beer forgotten. Levi mutters obscenities underneath his breath the whole time. Mostly calling him a little shit.

-

"Hey," Eren garbles, "do you think I'm pretty?" He's lying on his side, facing Levi, his eyes keep going unfocused. "I think you're pretty… really pretty"

"Yeah, I think you're pretty."

Eren smiles so big it makes his face hurt. He's dancing on the line between sleep and consciousness. "What about… what about back then? I wasn't pretty, I was, I was so _gross_. Right? I was _so_ fat." He forces himself to laugh, "why'd you even—I can't believe… "

"I thought you—"

Eren pushes his palm against Levi's mouth, shuts him up. "Shhh—okay?" He hesitantly moves his hand, Levi makes a displeased face. Eren closes his eyes, nearly a second away from just passing out. "I'd be _so_ good for you," he mumbles, "so good. So good… now, not back then, now."

He finally dips into a peaceful rest, not before miserable thoughts plant themselves in his mind.

Eren has spent so much time trying to convince himself that he is strong and perseverant, it still amazes him that he doesn't truly believe it. He can pretend though, pretend poorly that is.

He tells himself that he never let the bullies get to him during high-school (there were a lot of skipped meals, a bit of painful self induced vomiting and numerous slashes on his wrist), _but_ he got over it, through it—whatever. He's fine now.

(He's thin now.)

-

The little bit of sun getting through the curtain is blinding. There's a fucking jackhammer in his head. Eren rolls over to find Levi staring at him. It knocks the breath out of him and gets him sweating the way he would anytime anyone remotely attractive looked at him. Judging—everyone is _always_ judging him.

"Did you, did you sleep?" It sounds like he ate sandpaper or something.

"Nope."

"Did you just watch me sleep?"

"Believe it or not, everything isn't about you."

Eren averts his eyes. He needs to get home. "I'm sorry for… " he's not sure how to phrase it, how to condense it, "harassing you?" He's never wanted to shrivel up and die so badly.

"It's okay," Levi smirks.

"Seriously, I was awful and forceful and basically coerced you into taking me to your home." Eren pouts, "I'm a shitty human being."

Levi's huffs out a laugh, "I said it was okay. Do you want breakfast—"

"I should get home."

"You should stay for breakfast," they maintain eye contact until Eren agrees.

They've been eating in silence for almost twenty minutes when Levi speaks up, "what changed your mind?"

"What?" Eren adjusts the sheet that he's wrapped around his naked frame, he wasn't in the mood to find his clothes.

"Why'd you wanna sleep with me last night, but not two years ago?"

There's two obvious answers, Eren thinks. He says neither. "I don't know."

"Bullshit."

"Okay, maybe… I thought you were joking the first time." He clears his throat. Back then, if Eren ever got propositioned or asked out, it felt like an offensive joke. He was always waiting for the soul crushing punchline.

"I'd never do that."

"That's nice to know," he takes a small sip from his cup of orange juice and stands up, once again adjusting the sheet, "I should go." Eren's already stumbling towards the bedroom.

He finds his clothes folded into a neat little pile on the foot of the bed. His underwear is on when Levi taps on the door. "Yeah?"

"You barely ate anything."

"'M not hungry," his pants are on now and it feels like he's holding in a scream. It's _right_ there, stuck in his throat. He can feel Levi's eyes on his body and he wants to hide. Eren wonders if he'll ever stop feeling like that fat kid.

He's still in there, still fat on the inside, where it really counts, to him at least. No one else seems to care. When Eren's eyes start to sting, he blinks excessively, praying that Levi doesn't see.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Eren, you should finish eating."

"Mikasa, my sister, says the same exact thing." He mumbles, pulling on his shirt. He somehow still feels naked.

"I want you to finish eating."

"I'm not hungry," he repeats, "I should get home." He wants to visit Mikasa all of a sudden. His dad, too.

"Eren, eat your breakfast."

He flinches at Levi's tone. He doesn't look at Levi as he skims past him, walking back into the kitchen and seating himself once again in front of his barely touched food.

The air in the kitchen is rigid and awkward and Eren's holding back tears.

"I'm sorry," Levi says, Eren can sense his eyes boring into him.

"It's okay," he sniffs. "It's okay."

"I shouldn't have raised my voice."

"You shouldn't have," he dares to sneak a peek at Levi.

"I'm going to go shower, you can let yourself out." Levi says, taking their dishes and putting them in the sink. Eren feels ill, he's not sure how he was able to fuck up so much. He's seriously taking into consideration quitting drinking. Levi leaves the room and Eren feels deflated.

He's not even sure what has happened exactly, he doesn't recall the other night vividly, but he understands the gist of everything that transpired. Eren is submerged in mortification.

He's really not certain whether fate is a real thing, but if it's not, it's just an absurd coincidence that he'd see Levi again. It has to mean something, Eren wants it to mean something, needs it to mean something.

So he follows the sound of running water into the foggy bathroom. He's very quiet and doesn't close the door behind himself.

Eren goes to the sink, wipes the condensation off the mirror so he can actually see himself. His reflection is blurry and deceiving. He looks exhausted, a lot more exhausted than he feels. The green eyes staring apathetically back at him make his stomach churn.

Levi's silhouette can also be seen in the mirror. He is so beautiful, Eren muses. His face is a masterpiece. Eyes, that look like the sky during a thunderstorm, straight nose, lips, thin and rosy pink. Eren appreciates the heavy wrinkles set underneath his eyes, the delicate lines at the corner of his mouth. He doesn't get it, how he can be so simply gorgeous.

He turns, now facing the shower, observing Levi's outline through the curtain. A sudden burning sensation manifests in his chest. Eren steps towards the shower, steps under the stream of the hot water, ignores Levi's _what the fuck are you doing_?

Levi doesn't resist though, doesn't resist as Eren crowds him against the shower wall and kisses him. For the duration of the kiss, Eren ignores the heaviness of his soaked clothing, ignores the chill biting at his skin—only feels the warmth and pliability of Levi's mouth, the tenderness of the way Levi holds him, clings to him, desperation radiating off of his lips.

Eren never wants it to end, wants to swallow him whole, but he has to breathe so he hesitantly pulls away, steadies his breathing. His heart rate refuses to regulate though. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen," Levi mutters against Eren's neck, he then reverts to sucking at the skin there, worries at it with his teeth.

"Don't say that," Eren remarks, closing his eyes, praying to God for his heart to not lurch out of his chest. "Don't say that."

"But you are," Levi urges, his hands sneaking under Eren's saturated shirt, trailing up and down his stomach. "Ever since I saw you… at the bar, sitting alone, drinking your vodka and coke, two years ago," his lips grazing the sensitive skin of Eren's neck, "looking so—"

"Shhh… stop," he can't prevent the prickly sensation occurring behind his eyes, can't prevent the way his fingernails clutch unforgivingly into Levi's sides, "be quiet," he whines. It's pitiful the way his voice cracks.

"Eren—"

"No, shut up for a minute." He takes a deep breath, opens his eyes slowly. It's so incredibly difficult to pretend as if he's not so wound up. "I gotta go," he finally says.

"Eren, we can talk, we _should_ talk." Levi tries.

"I need to get home."

\---

Eren is still dripping water by the time he gets to the house. Mikasa is eating cereal in front of the television when he lets himself inside. "Dad's going to be mad if you get the couch wet," she says, sparing him a glance.

"I don't care." He huffs, trying to make himself comfortable, even as his clothes and the couch stick to him. "How've you been?"

"I've been good, you?" Eren's so envious of how graceful and mature she is at only fifteen. She's beautiful and she's strong. Mikasa is so much like their mother.

"I don't know, I really don't know."

"Have you had breakfast yet?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Mhmm," he stretches out fully on the couch, "it is the most important meal after all, right?"

"You do listen to me, huh," she smiles at him, "why are you wet?"

Eren rolls over so he's not facing Mikasa anymore, "no reason." It doesn't take much to fall asleep after that.

-

He's woken up by his cell phone ringing, it turns out to be Armin, asking him where he is, why he didn't come home the previous night. Eren tells him that everything is fine.

The television is still on, but Mikasa isn't in the room anymore. There's a coil of tension in the pit of his stomach that feels like it'll never be relieved.

"Eren?" Grisha's head pops up from behind the corner.

"Hey, Dad,"

"How are you?"

"I'm good. How've you been?"

Grisha shrugs, disappears behind the corner. Any interaction Eren's had with his dad after his mom's death has been immensely uncomfortable and stilted.

Sometimes he just wishes that everything was how it used to be, then he remembers that his life was still shit, even back then. Especially back then.

Mikasa materializes in the spot Grisha had just been in.

"Did you achieve your goal last night?"

"What're you talking about?"

"Jean told me… " she begins to speak in a hushed tone, "that you were going to try and lose your… you know." Eren likes the fact that Mikasa still gets uncomfortable talking about sex, she's still young, still Eren's baby sister.

"Why do talk to Jean so much, it's weird. First of all, he's gay and he's not single, Mikasa."

"Doesn't mean I can't think he's cute—he is, even you've said it before."

"Yeah, okay, Jean's kinda hot. I just," he says, exasperated, "I don't like you talking to older guys," he sounds so much like his dad right now.

"You don't get pissy when I hang out with Armin."

"Well, Armin's not an asshole,"

"Language, Eren," she smirks. " _Anyway_ , did you… you know?"

He reminds himself to chew Jean out later for his inability to keep things confidential. "No, I didn't,"

"I can't decide whether I pity you or not."

"I feel the exact same way."

\---

When Eren sees Levi _again_ at the grocery store later that day, he begins to think that he's cursed or something. Or Levi's stalking him or the other way around. He's sweating though, so bad, in the checkout line. Levi's in the one next to him and thankfully, he hasn't spotted Eren yet.

The checkout line isn't moving fast enough and Eren keeps sneaking glances at Levi. He pinpoints the exact moment Levi sees him, sees the way he noticeably stiffens and looks away.

(It makes him feel like a _monster_ , some hideous creature that has people running in the opposite direction.)

He feels sick to his stomach. Nausea welling up in his throat. He abandons his groceries on the conveyor belt and books it out of the store.

"Eren," he hears Levi on his heels, "stop. Seriously," there's a death grip on his arm and he's spun around, "stop."

"What?" He unsuccessfully attempts to shake Levi off, but his grip tightens, then he lets go completely.

"Sorry… about that."

"It's okay." Eren mumbles as he carefully rubs his upper arm.

"What's going on?"

"… nothing." He's such a fucking awful liar.

"Look at me," Levi says, gently positioning his hands on Eren's sides. He represses a shiver. "Look at me." He repeats. Eren does, hating himself for the way his breath escapes him and his palms sweat.

"What," he grits out. Levi gives him a long, hard look.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

(Everything, he yearns to say.)

"I'm fine, it's nothing, nothing's wrong… with me. I'm okay, alright, fine, good?" He can't stop talking, "why do you even care? You know what? We should do it, let's go to my place—I think my roommate is at work, I—"

"Shut up," Levi interrupts, "I don't want to sleep with you, I mean, I do, but—"

"But what?" Levi doesn't seem to want to respond so Eren presses further, "What? What is it?"

"It's just… " He holds his breath. "Nothing, okay? We can both pretend nothing happened—I don't even know you."

"You don't." Eren states. Levi hands are still on him though, but he doesn't say anything.

And it's so stupid, so stupid that Levi kisses him while they're standing right outside the supermarket. _And_ it's even stupider that Eren allows Levi to kiss him, melts with the movement of their lips against each other. He wants _this_ (what is this?) so bad.

He hates himself, hates himself, hates himself so much. Hates that he moans into Levi's mouth, hates that he forgets to breathe, hates that this feels so goddamn amazing, hates Levi for being so beautiful and such a good kisser, hates that they are both hard, hates that—his phones starts vibrating in his pocket—and shit, he sort of _thrusts_ against Levi's leg—His phone is vibrating.

They're right outside the grocery store.

(Eren is _this_ close to losing his virginity right here and right now and his phone is vibrating and God, he wishes it wasn't his fucking phone.)

His phone is vibrating.

His phone is—he's about to come in his pants. Eren extracts himself from Levi, extracts the cellphone from his pocket. It's Armin. Eren answers it. "Hey, are you buying groceries like I asked yesterday?"

"Kind of."

"What does that even mean? Eren, I'm getting home soon and I haven't even had lunch. I expect a full fridge, I gotta go." He hangs up.

"I don't get it," Levi says under his breath, Eren still hears it though.

"What don't you get?" He watches Levi's eyes glance at his lips, it makes him nervous.

"Nothing," he says, offhandedly. "What was that about?"

"Wasn't important," he mumbles. Eren just wants to be kissing Levi again, touching him _again_ , forgetting about everything else _again_. "So what now?"

"Uh," Levi runs his fingers through his dark hair, Eren watches the action closely, "we could go to my place," he says it slowly, as if he speaking to a scared animal.

"Where's your car?"

-

They've been driving for a while when Eren tells Levi to pull over. Levi complies, swiftly parking on the side of the road. Eren unbuckles his seatbelt and moves to straddle Levi, not before adjusting the seat though.

They're kissing again and again and _again_ until Eren's breath has left him completely—head spinning, blood boiling, heat throbbing throughout his body, he pulls away. A small smile surfaces on his face. "I don't want to wait," Eren whispers right into Levi's ear, "I wanna do this now."

"I know, I know," he responds, rubbing right below Eren's eyes with his thumbs, " _but_ we're literally three minutes away from my apartment."

Eren sighs, long and exaggerated, "okay, okay—I can wait, I guess."

He returns to the passenger seat, willing away his erection for now.

The rest of the ride is quiet.

-

"You've… you're not a virgin, are you?" Levi's asking, he's already got two fingers in Eren's ass. Eren's naked, his pants, shirt and underwear are on the floor. Levi's got all his clothes on still, it's just his cock hanging out—it's hard and weeping and Eren wants it inside of him.

"I am," he states, but then Levi's retracting his slicked up fingers, "wait—I've fingered myself before and used, you know, dildos. I've just never had a real dick in me." His voice is shaking and he's just increasingly getting nervous.

"Are you _sure_ you want to do this?"

"I wanted to do this yesterday,"

"Do you want to do this _today_?"

"Yes," Eren hisses.

"Okay," Levi grasps his jaw, pulling him up for a rough kiss, "okay. If I do any—"

"Oh my god, less talking," Eren breathes, "and more fingering."

"Yeah, yeah," Levi mutters in between leaving hot kisses down Eren's throat, when he encounters his nipples, he sucks on them, bites them, tugs them with his teeth until Eren's whimpering, choking on his own breath.

Then he moves on, drags his feverish tongue down his stomach, tracing the dips in his abs.

Eren is a ticking time bomb.

It's a different feeling than just masturbating when he wakes up with morning wood or something. It's like he's bracing himself for a punch, but instead of pain, there'll be mind numbing _pleasure_ , bursts of bliss. He can feel it, in the way his toes curl, his chest heaves, his eyes flutter shut, gratification swimming right underneath his skin.

Eren nearly loses it when his cock is engulfed in Levi's searing, wet mouth, he takes him in all the way, his cock firmly hitting the back of his throat, the muscles there contracting and expanding. Eren barely notices as Levi adds a third finger.

 _This_ close, Eren is this close to shooting his load, his orgasm clawing at his insides. All these noises spilling from his lips, whimpers, pleas, he's whining, begging from Levi to fuck him, _please, Levi, just_ —He's quieted down with a kiss, quieted down with Levi's tongue licking into his mouth, licking at his teeth, trying to reach as far back as possible, trying to swallow Eren whole.

They both gasp for air when they've separated. Eren doesn't want to wait anymore, wants to be fucked mercilessly (somewhere in the back of his mind, he also wants to have slow, passionate sex with Levi). Levi retrieves the condom that he'd gotten early, rolls it onto his cock, slicks himself up after.

"We're really doing this," he mutters, Eren senses something that he can't describe in his voice. He then feels the tip of Levi's cock against his entrance.

"Wait," Eren breathes, he hates how urgent the word sounds.

"What?" Levi subtly distances himself from him, it gets Eren panicky, sickness bubbling up his chest, fingers digging into Levi's arms.

"I just—I want you to remove your shirt."

"Yeah, okay," it's like getting a strip tease, the way Levi removes his shirt, something about his fingers nimbly unbuttoning the buttons, something about Levi's flush spreading to his chest, something about the gorgeous sculpted muscles that come into view.

Eren just wants Levi _closer_ , wants Levi on top of him, inside him—closer than that. "Kiss me," he whines, voice lilting then cracking.

Levi complies, kissing Eren thoroughly. At the same time entering him completely, a long, solid, hard thrust.

Levi is inside of him, Eren feels _instant gratification_.

-

It turns out that Levi is really into post orgasmic cuddles, to the point where he's clingy as fuck. He also insists on being the big spoon. Eren doesn't mind, he likes feeling small.

His phone is ringing again, most likely Armin. Eren ignores it because he's not exactly sure where his phone is and he is absolutely exhausted, couldn't even be paid to move a limb.

There's some movement behind him though, he suspects that Levi's finally removing his bottoms. When jeans are tossed onto the floor, Eren's thoughts are confirmed. "Will you stay the night?"

Eren nods. He'll leave in the morning, but he'll definitely stay the night.

\---

Armin is asleep when Eren arrives at the apartment. He'd made a not so quick stop at the grocery store beforehand, used the credit card his dad go him for emergencies to buy nearly two hundred dollars worth of food.

The fridge is full so Armin won't be too mad.

-

"Have you been wearing that outfit for three days now?" Armin walks into Eren's bedroom—he's doesn't look angry or anything, Eren releases a breath.

"Huh, I think I might have." He tugs the shirt down where it's risen up a bit.

"Gross," Armin scoffs, then, "thanks for the food." He's smiling which makes Eren smile.

"You're welcome."

"So… where were you last night and why did you show up to your house soaked?"

"Have you been contacting Mikasa?" Sometimes Eren forgets that she's younger than him. She's very devious and persistent.

" _Maybe_. But seriously, you showed up drenched?"

"Yeah, it's complicated."

"I don't think it is. But you can tell me when you're ready, I'm going to make breakfast." Armin leaves the room, gently shutting the door behind himself.

Eren's still trying to convince himself that last night was real. When the memories rush back to him, his heartbeat goes erratic.

He wants to do it again and again and again.

\---

Eren spots Levi a few days later. He's at McDonald's, he knows that he should not be there. If Armin or Mikasa knew, they'd kick his ass—or Mikasa would kick his ass and Armin would give him a long talk. But he's been feeling so shitty the last couple days. And he _really_ wanted fries.

Levi enters the restaurant after Eren's gotten his french fries and seated himself. They see each other right away. They hold eye contact until Levi walks to the counter, orders his food.

It feels as if it should be a bit more awkward when Levi sits across from Eren. But it's almost comfortable.

Maybe they're magnets, someway, somehow, they _have_ _to_ end up with each other. (Eren idly notes that Levi would most likely be the negative pole of a magnet and he'd be the positive.)

"I'm beginning to think that you're stalking me," Eren says.

"Could've sworn it was the other way around." Levi smirks, carefully sipping from his fountain drink. "Even though it seems as if you're also avoiding me simultaneously."

"I'm not avoiding you."

"You literally snuck out of my apartment that morning."

"I did do that, but… "

"So it was just a one night stand then?"

Would Levi believe him if he said _I don't know_. It sounds like bullshit, but it's the truth. "Did you want it to be?"

It feels like a lifetime passes by before he answers, Eren has already finished his fries. "Did you?" Levi counters.

"Don't you think it's odd that we keep bumping into each other? Like, twice is a coincidence, but four times is… I don't even know. It just has to mean something, right?"

Levi looks at him thoughtfully, "I guess."

"You guess?"

"I don't really believe in _fate_ or whatever."

Eren sighs, "Neither do I, but it's almost as if the universe wanted us to fuck. It took us meeting three times, but now here we are."

"The universe wanted us to fuck?"

"You know, or God if you believe in that."

Levi just squints at him, "okay, but it shouldn't have taken three times. It could've taken one."

"I know, I know. I wanted to, but—"

"I know what you're going to say and I don't want to hear it."

"What was I going to say?"

"I don't think there's any point to me saying it aloud if we both know what it is." Levi's jaw ticks as they glare at each other.

"… I'm not—I wasn't—it's stupid, okay? Looking back and I wanted it, you wanted it. It was that simple. I'm not like that anymore, anyone who has eyes can see that."

"There's the obvious physical changes, but I think you're still that way, honestly."

Eren looks away, blinking rapidly, he's fuming, but he has to keep it under control. "I'm not, stop analyzing me." He hates how taut his voice sounds, hates how all of a sudden they've gone back in time two years ago, Levi gorgeous as always, Eren not being able to cover himself _enough_ , not being able to hide, Eren ashamed, scared, disgusted.

"You are, it's not a bad thing, Eren."

"Stop," he says, he's getting fidgety, sweating, can sense Levi's eyes on him.

"Look at me," Eren doesn't, can't, in fact, he closes his eyes, breathes deeply, pinches his own thigh. Everything isn't _perfect_ , but it's better, he's getting better, maybe stronger, even braver. He's not the same person he was before. He's definitely not. _He just wants to see what Levi sees_. Eren pinches his thigh again, harder, then again and again, can't stop, has to keep reminding himself that— "Eren," Levi says, apathetic, but there's something—something at the end of his name—that makes Eren's eyes open, "I've always thought you were beautiful, even back then, even though you won't believe me."

"That's not going to fix me, you know."

"I know, but what if I tell you you're beautiful everyday for as long as you can put up with me?" Levi's eyes don't have that razor edge anymore.

"Hmm," Eren licks his lips, he tastes salt and oil from the fries, wants more, reaches for Levi's, "I guess we'll have to find out, right?"

**Author's Note:**

> (All the Rage Back Home//Interpol)
> 
> I'm sorry if the ending didn't feel satisfying, I tried to keep it realistic and a bit hopeful.
> 
> If I were to write a second part, I'd show Eren's slow, slow progress—him just learning to love himself. 
> 
> ((Believe it or not, this started out as that 'we had a one night stand and now we keep bumping into each other' au, idk what happened, man. Also if you think I missed anything in the tags, please tell me.))
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading.
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://unhappy-turt.tumblr.com)


End file.
